Arcod éle kivágja
a kékből azt a darabot
tudod
az esteledő hibája
de egyre közelebb látlak
tudod
magamhoz.
Arcod éle végtelen
ujjaim habár beérik,
mert félelmem én képezem,
de egyre közelebb látlak
tudod
magamhoz.
Arcod éle rejtőzik
szemhéjam mögé bújt.
Tudod,
maradjunk így reggelig,
de most egyre közelebb látlak
tudod
magamhoz.
Arcod éle nem titok
hisz sajátommal egybevág
nagy dolog, mit ma átadok,
így hogy ilyen közel látlak
tudod,
magamhoz.
The edge of your face excises
that part of the blue
you know
the fault of the nightgainer
but i see you coming closer
you know
to me
The edge of your face is infinite
albeit my fingers reach it
as i constitute my fear
but i see you coming closer
you know
to me
the edge of your face playing hide-and-seek
hid behind my eyelids
you know
stay like this till morning,
but now i see you coming closer
you know
to me
The edge of your face is no secret
sith it’s congruent to mine
’tis a great thing that i give
now that i see you so close
you know
to me
(translation: Ovidius On The Tiles http://ovidius-on-the-tiles.tumblr.com/)
füzesi viktornak
I'm not sure about this poem... It's a good rendition if it's meant to depict certain type of shallowness in love (American culture comes to mind) and very clever actually with that straightforward structure and playful scene/idealism it depicts. As a more general, non-ironic and serious poem, I'm once again not so impressed. In the latter case the structure lacks and suffers from the repetition, and none of the individual parts of the poem shine either. I do like some lines, such as "the fault of the nightgainer" and "as I constitute my fear". The short, five-line poem I read earlier was much much better in depicting a similar situation: it was deep, diverse, open to interpretation and unique. I'm starting to lean more towards the opinion that this one isn't any of those. Good news is, as I read these poems from newest to oldest, it would seem quite clear to me that you've developed and grown into a true poet with a lot of talent in expressing things and tieing lovely images together. I hope you cherish that and continue to grow - and let me know of your new endeavours, for I will be pleased and priviledged to know of and read them. :)
VálaszTörléscruel and sweet at the same time, you are talented ;) This whole poem forced itself to be written down, i wrote a note to it's end, that's it's written to someone. The whole structure talks about a distracted, onerous moment, probably a little bit too personal to save it's efficiency. Paljon kiitoksia, olen tullut hyvin iloiseksi, lukemalla kommentiäsi. Kirjoitat lahjakkaasti. Pian yritän kerätä ajatuksiani, ja luoda jotain samankaltaista sulle.
VálaszTörlés