Az a nő,
akit bántanak.
Celofánba burkolózik,
a fagyasztóba lépdel.
És.
Vigyáz.
The woman
Who is hurt
Wraps herself in cellophane,
Struts into the freezer.
And.
Cares.
( translation: Ovidius On The Tiles http://ovidius-on-the-tiles.tumblr.com/)
The woman
Who is hurt
Wraps herself in cellophane,
Struts into the freezer.
And.
Cares.
( translation: Ovidius On The Tiles http://ovidius-on-the-tiles.tumblr.com/)
This one I don't like so much. It seems a bit uninspired and cliché. In the second verse you attempt to bring in a fresh angle, but in reality this poem remains a bit bland and fails to impress me. It's still not bad, however - the division isn't insightful but logical and rhytmic, and I like the silence and calm of the whole. In a minimalistic poem it is even more important to focus on every syllable and say as much as possible with each expression, which I'm sure you are aware of, but in my opinion do not achieve here. It's still nice poem, and probably resonates well with some women, especially in their heartache, but you can do better. This may be due to my gender, but I think your first mistake with this one was when you revealed that the subject is a woman. Just my take on it...
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